Heroes Never Heal
“There are some things time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep that have taken hold.” - Frodo Baggins
I dream of things friends say I should,
Till those friends learned how dark I dream things.
Fate-twined blades and rattling war cries
Left echoing in romanced eras long past.
The blood and gore and death are censured
- there, but forgotten, like the bruise on the cheek
of a victim lost to love.
Behind my eyelids, crooked nightmares,
these whispers in my head shout, “This is wrong!”
Desecrating innocence, suicide by self-sacrifice,
that bloody tyrant murdered by these hands you’ve molded well.
I know now why you vanquish, not kill,
when my eyes, so young, turned questing.
I dreamed of things friends said I should,
till they learned how twisted sorrow made me.
Happiness hard-won but turned bitter,
a wedding with the front row seats left empty.
After currents of grief and loss
distort an ending, rightly earned.
The ring is cold and hard and glinting,
and my eyes, she cries, are the same.
But this mind can’t hide from battle,
agonizing and returning
to fields wet with wasted life,
fingers dripping crimson.
And in this ongoing dark moment of my heart
my eyes turn inward and watch the journey:
chipped knife becomes polished blade,
knobbly fingers grow calloused and long,
and my eyes that turned to you for guidance
flick away, narrowed, in hate and paranoia.
A downwards stroke, and blood pooling,
those fickle crowds cry, their exaltation
a hollow reminder of the reasons I chant
at night when the silence burns me restless.
My soul’s a map of scattered scars
and the justification’s easier
when people drown my disagreement.
Death is an existence, a way of life
turned away in the face of Nothing,
where before the hope of After was one to strive for.
Where did my courage go?
Fumbling in my soul for wings that could rise
and bring me with them.
The face of terror takes the form of loved ones breathless,
full of peace they forbid you from ever seeking.
Now I ask, what is justice?
Mere vengeance given a pretty name.
Murder is what we do,
one man’s freedom, another’s death.
My hands drip crimson,
the crowds exalt
as I stand alone on fields soaked red
head held high and crying
as my world view crumbles to nothing,
pointless, pretty, and easily replaced.
Yes little liar, little liar,
one day you'll get your dues.
For my soul is caught in Life's quagmire
and now I come for you.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hi and happy Review Day! Let's get straight to the review. (And I apologize in advance for any typos, I'm typing this on my Kindle.)
Overall, I really like this poem. It's a powerful message delivered with powerful language. Also, points for the Lord of the Rings quote.
Your first stanza starts out pretty strong, although I agree with Firestarter about getting rid of the word 'things.'
The second stanza is where I start getting confused, however. I start to get the idea with the first few lines, but you completely lose me at the last two. Also, it seems kind of wordy.
In fact, that's my general complaint about the whole poem - it really is just kind of wordy. You've got a lot of stunning images, but since this is already kind of a vague, metaphorical poem, tje wordiness make it hard to get thoguh. Your best moments are when you're short nd to the point, like here:
I love this line, but the next two line really don't work with it. Remember, short and to the point.
The other times it works really well wa the third stanza -you told an entire story there, and so succinctly- and the last couplet, which I love. Really, this just needs to be more streamlined and less wordy.
Good luck and keep writing!
-Meandbooks
I love the atmosphere of this poem! The message is fantastic as well, and the simplicity of your way with words is quite stunning.
I don't have much to suggest here, although your topic of heroism in the title got a little lost on me as I felt most of the poem was about death, not what happens before, to the hero.
I like how you mention that quote from our dear Frodo Baggins.
I think your last stanza is my personal favorite, and your first stanza may be your weakest (in my opinion.)
Very well done. I'm sorry I can't really say specific things to pinpoint and work on, but...just reread lots. See how the flow works, there some other stanzas may be broken. The more you read the same thing over, the more editing/revising opportunities you may find.
In the spirit of Review Day on behalf of the Firebolts,
~iron.n
I revise not as a judge, but as a fellow writer eligible for judgment on the same level.
Hi Black Night Werecat,
The language here is really jarring and turning me immediately off your poem. The second line would be better if you dropped "things" entirely -
Much more powerful.
The first suffers from ending with "say I should" which is a weak turn of phrase.
Together, this couplet is also weak because it doesn't really make sense. How can you at the same time dream of things your friends say you should, but also be dreaming of darker things than they approve? It's either one or the other. Either you're dreaming of things so dark, your friends do not approve; OR, against your better wishes, you've dreaming of socially appropriate things, despite a deep desire to dream darker. That is definitely an interesting conflict, but you've immediately confused the reader, because logically, that doesn't follow. Now you could argue poems do not have to be logical. Maybe, but starting out with a couplet that does not follow internal logic puts you on a bad foot, and I'm instantly unsure what the narrator really means. That would be possibly an interesting angle if you wanted the poem to be about challenging the reader's expectations, but the poem is about dreaming darkly, really.
So, I'd change the starting couplet to something that makes sense. Also something that uses the word "things" maybe 100% less, because poetry has no time for vague words.
The rest of the poem is mostly by the numbers. You use far too many lines to see much of the same muchness, and by the end of it, the reader feels a bit like they've been smashed over the head with the same idea again and again. Truly good poetry says a lot with little. Each word, punctuation, line break, is picked for maximum benefit towards the underlying themes you are trying to convey, and in a unique and interesting way. Unfortunately, I think you gone the opposite way - using too many words to convey a theme in a fairly straightforward and tired manner. Things like "drip crimson" and "blood pooling" and "polished blade" and "soaked red." feel like I've read them a million times before. Be more unique, more creative. Don't fall back on familiar pairings of words.
Parts I liked, and would keep if you re-draft -
But I would drill this down to its barest, most powerful. Something like:
More active, more punchy. Something along those lines.
I also liked the conflict between dreaming about dark things, and trying to dream of socially appropriate dreams, like your friends say you should. That's an interesting idea, and one I'd like to see better fleshed out. Instead, we got a lot of lines about battle, and death, and blood.
I hope the above gives you some ideas for your next draft. Cut it down, pick you words carefully, avoid cliché, tired word pairings, find the uniqueness, drop that opening couplet to something that makes sense, and see what you end up with.
Good luck!
Hey! Tigers coming to review.
First off, I love how you start with a quote from Frodo, because I love those movies.
Anyway, "I dream of things friends say I should,/Till those friends learned how dark I dream things." This confused me a little. She dreams of the things her friends say she should, until they learn she's not dreaming of those things?
Also, you start the first and third stanza with, "I dream[ed] of things friends said I should," so have a rhythm going, but you don't use that line again. It takes away from the poem. I don't know how to fix that (sorry) but I think you should do something about it.
Those are the only things I could find wrong with this, though. I really, really like it. How you get so deep in some lines. It's so good.
"Now I ask, what is justice?/Mere vengeance given a pretty name." That, right there, is gold. Love it, love it, love it.
Overall, this poem packs a punch. I just...(｡♥‿♥｡). Keep up the awesome work. (My apologizes for the short review).
-TigersMoon
Thank you very much. :3
this was good YAAAA
Thank you!